Oh, to see his smile

My best friend was in town for a meeting (we live 50 miles apart) and she kind of sprung it on me that I would be watching her baby for two hours. I forgot she had mentioned coming (I forget everything these days) and we've been missing each others' phone calls ever since. Anyway, I sucked it in, shut the brain off (Yes, I can turn my brain off, but only for short times), and I did it. And, with my brained turned off, I loved it. Simone was all over him, as usual she wanted us to pretend she was the 'big sister'. I took care of him, and shushed him to sleep, and held him on my chest while he slept for an hour. How sweet and warm and soft. And I love that little boy. But it pains me to see him so full of life, growing so big, only two months younger than my boy would be. Oh what a pair they would've been! My DH would not hold him, and I was frustrated with him. But we all grieve differently, so I understood.

I didn't finally succumb to it all until I opened up my tupperware she had returned to find the pictures she had mentioned she had left for me. There he was, this beautifult little baby boy. They got the best picture, tried as I might, I couldn't get him to smile for me in the short time I had him today. But, oh my, did that photographer get a good one. And as soon as I saw that smile, I immediately felt joy for her, but also such an utter sense of loss.

To see my boy smile? To imagine what that might be like? It leaves me breathless and so so defeated. If I think her son is beautiful (and I do, I'm so happy for her, she's wanted a baby for so long), imagine what that would've been like with Myles? I know how your heart overflows with joy when you see your own childs very first smile. It wasn't that long ago that I saw Simone's, it seems like a century. But, I did not appreciate hers, as much as my heart soared 4 years ago, not as I should've. I didn't know how miraculous it is to take your baby home and to watch them grow. I didn't know then what I know now.

So I put these beautiful pictures down and have just now sat down on the couch to sob in the night, by myself, as usual. DH and I haven't been getting along so well, and I sometimes feel so alone. Will every missed milestone hurt this much?!

four months

So much has been going on. I finally got my ambition to work and do research back, that's about the only good news.

The bad news, I haven't had AF for 17 weeks (since I lost Myles) and I had an HSG, and I go in for the results on Tuesday. Needless to say, I've never questioned my fertility, I don't need this on top of everything else. We all have our own burdens I guess.

I had a particularly rough day today. And it's crazy because Easter ain't my thing. But my daughter of course gets into it. I guess what surprises me is that I find myself thinking of Myles. Now I had imagined Myles at Christmas, perhaps Thanksgiving (two holidays forever changed), definitely summer time at the pools, but Easter? And yet here I am, wondering, thinking about what I would be doing for his first Easter. It was this tie last year we began ttc, it took one time (thought I was fertile Myrtle), and it's sad to think back on how different this year is from the last. I told someone my age the other day, and when I heard myself say 27, I couldn't believe it. I don't feel 27, that's too young. I feel like I'm 50.

To top it all off, my husband said (drifting off to sleep no less) that a couple of people have mentioned I treat DD differently now. Of course, I'm like 'who'? I knew my mom, but then he wavered on the second person, and now I'm just pissed. I guess it confirms my worst fears. That I am not that great of a parent, that people are watching me under a microscope. And quite frankly, I don't care what they think because I'm not the same person when it's me and her (which it is, day in and day out) than I am when we go home to see the grandparents, or when grandparents come to visit. Quite honestly, I'm relieved to be able to get away and let the grandparents spend their time with her, and me just zone out on my computer, or reading the newspaper.

There is probably a little truth to their 'concerns', and as opposed to their opinions bothering me, it is that hint of truth bothering me. I don't think I'm the same to anybody as I used to be. I'm not me. And I'm not always interested in entertaining a four year old 70 hours a week who plays, 'baby' at least three times a day. I need a break, and 12 hours a day in preschool is not enough me time to get done the work I'm expected to do.

Ugh. I was just talking to my therapist and she told me I need to take care of me. I'm doing that, but is it at the expense of my daughter??? I don't know. That's a fine line to walk. I don't think I 'm a bad parent, but maybe not as good as before. I'm shorter with her maybe when I have a lot of anxiety, and the last couple of days when my husband gets home, I just try to escape for awhile.

Sigh, so Easter's got me down, my fertility is in question, and Myles has been gone four months and it seems like Novemeber was yesterday but in the meantime I've aged 20 years.